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8 Ways I Wish the Offline World Was Like Being Online

Ever wonder what it would be like if we had all the conveniences of the internet in the “real” world? I do. A lot, actually. Whether I’m sitting at a stop light, looking where I left my keys or just waiting in line at the grocery store, if we had the power of the internet available to us I think our lives would be so much simpler.

Here are eight ways in which life would be better if we could just find some way to move technology out of cyberspace and into our living space.

High Speed: Slow things really bother me. I don’t feel I have a lot of time during the day so I wish a lot of things could just be done faster. Imagine if we could get high-speed reading and movie watching capabilities. To be able to actually take it all in and still enjoy the process! Long waits at the DMV or the checkout line? Not anymore, you now have high-speed access that allows you to blast right through it! Wife wants you to attend a ballet? No worries, you’re out of there five minutes later! Long road trips are done in mere minutes and annoying visits from the in-laws are over before you know it. Oh, the possibilities!

Full Content Search: If only Google really would take over the world! Finally, I’d be able to find items lost around the house with a simple request. Imagine if the contents of your house, car and even office were all indexed and easily retrievable, despite not knowing where I left them! Misplaced your wallet? Google knows where it is. Did the babies take your keys and now you can’t find them? Google can! Now that’s search!

Upgrades: Tired of your old car or house? No worries! Once you buy the first one you get a lifetime of free upgrades. Need a bathroom remodel? That’s taken care of with the latest update. Need to change your locks? No problem, the latest security patch handles that. Want the new year’s model sports car? If you bought last year’s model (or any year before that) you get the latest model automatically! OK, so not every upgrade is free, but at least you get significant discounts on purchasing the upgrade. That would still come in handy for newer cars. And imagine how many more new cars would be sold each year! That’s got to do something for the economy!

Social sharing: Ever see something that someone else has and you wished you had it too? If they are on the same social network as you, they could “share” it, giving it to you while also keeping it for themselves. This could really come in handy for small items such as home decorations, toiletries (on second thought, not toiletries), books, etc. Combine this with a Google home search then anybody can search your house, find all the nifty things you have and then just clone them for themselves.

Spyware: Everybody has had at least one bad dating experience with the clinger that won’t go away long after you’ve let your lack of interest be known. With a personal spyware program, you can be sure that these clingers can be cleaned off with the click of a button. You no longer have to worry about annoying calls, him or her asking you out again, or being stalked wherever you go. Simply wipe them out of your system to keep them from disrupting your social life again.

Spam Blocker: Have you ever received unwanted advice from friends or family? A personal spam blocker prevents bad advice from ever reaching your ears, but lets the good advice sail right through. Tough decisions become much easier because the reliability of the advice has just increased exponentially. And if you wonder why you never hear from a certain friend anymore, you’ll know they were probably just spam anyway!

Virus Protection: So you can go get a flu shot, but shots hurt, and who has the time? And what about food poisoning, colds, fevers, and the like? Get the latest personal virus protection and you can keep just about every annoying sickness away. What about new strains that develop each year? No problem, with free upgrades your virus protection is kept current. Just remember to run a full system scan each week and keep the physical contact guard in place. You’ll never have to call off work sick (legitimately) again!

Bug Reports: Ever find yourself waiting at one of those a stop lights that never lets enough cars through when green? During peak traffic hours you might find yourself waiting through three light changes just to get through the intersection. Something is obviously wrong, but who do you tell? You could go home and dig for the right number to call, but who has time for that. We need instant bug notification. Simply push a button on your car dashboard, report the problem, and it’s fixed within 24 hours!

We often don’t appreciate how great the web truly is. Even when you have a bad online experience,┬áit’s often better than most good off-line experiences. So enjoy life on the web, before the bureaucrats make a mess of it!

Stoney G deGeyter

Stoney deGeyter is the author of The Best Damn Web Marketing Checklist, Period!. He is the founder and CEO of Pole Position Marketing, a web presence optimization firm whose pit crew has been velocitizing websites since 1998. In his free time Stoney gets involved in community services and ministries with his “bride enjoy” and his children. Read Stoney’s full bio.

2 Responses to 8 Ways I Wish the Offline World Was Like Being Online

  1. Seth Tachick says:

    How about usability? Imagine, if you don’t like your commute to work you could “fine tune” it to make for the best possible commute. Or if you’re having trouble cleaning the garage, you could make for the best possible sequence to organize everything in order to save time and effort.

  2. Sarah Ng says:

    That would definately make life interesting. Did you know that in 20 years, people will be able to implant the internet into their brains. Weird!