Really Bad Adventures in Search: The Case of the Round Bed

I’m starting a new series here at EMP dedicated solely to the horrible “black hole” experiences we all have from time to time- Really Bad Adventures in Search. Join me, won’t you, while we explore our latest, the Case of the Round Bed.

Lately my wife and I have been giving our place a makeover of sorts (translation: tossing out all our crap and buying stuff we actually want.) Last week she threw me a bit of a curveball.

“Hey! I just found this really old round bed on craigslist- it just needs a new mattress. Oh honey let’s get it!”

“Round bed?” I asked, “how does that make any sense- it will make the room all off… plus how do I find a mattress for it?”

“Do you have any idea how much sex we’ll have if you get me this?”

*gulp* “I’ll grab my laptop.”

And with that I was off to find a round mattress for a bed we hadn’t yet seen, in the hopes that I would soon be a very, very busy man. At this point in the story I’d like to say that through my great and awesome powers of search-ninjary that I found what I was looking for.

If that was the case, I wouldn’t have the time to make this post.

My goal: find a round mattress (or even whole bed) that costs less than $1,500.00 including shipping.

After 3 hours of seriously abusing Google, here are my results:

The number one result for “Round Bed” is actually a hammock with some memory foam
Note to actual makers of round beds: a key phrase you may want to rank highly in is “ROUND BED.”

The number one result for “Round Mattress” takes you to a site where there is almost no indication that they actually sell round beds.
Usability issue: If I found your site via a search for “Round Mattress,” don’t make me click around for 5 minutes looking for it.

Of the 4-5 companies that actually sell round mattresses, none of them is under $4,000.00 and none of them is anywhere near me.
Another note: if you happen to sell affordable round mattresses, you would do well to optimize your page so people know.

There is a company in my area who is paying to show up in the search “Round Bed,” and yet they don’t sell any round beds.
Looking for a company to manage your PPC campaigns? Call me. *hand up to face with pinky and thumb out*

The L.A. Times believes round beds are making a comeback.
I’m such a trend setter.

Now, here’s where it gets good

Hours into my search, a friend walked into our house and told me she had just seen round beds for about $900.00 at the nearest IKEA.

This is the same IKEA who’s site didn’t come up in my search at all.

A couple sites mentioned that IKEA might have them, but when I had searched the site, the nearest one that offered them was in Canada, and on the message boards people were beginning to believe it was a myth.

So I did the 1980’s thing and picked up the phone to call IKEA – where I was forced to listen to a message which told me over and over to just hang up and use their website.

Hey IKEA: If you value my sexlife (and your profits) you really, really ought to take care of your optimization issues. *Call me.*