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Really Bad Adventures in Search: The Case of the Round Bed

Really Bad Adventures in Search

I’m starting a new series here at EMP dedicated solely to the horrible “black hole” experiences we all have from time to time- Really Bad Adventures in Search. Join me, won’t you, while we explore our latest, the Case of the Round Bed.

Lately my wife and I have been giving our place a makeover of sorts (translation: tossing out all our crap and buying stuff we actually want.) Last week she threw me a bit of a curveball.

“Hey! I just found this really old round bed on craigslist- it just needs a new mattress. Oh honey let’s get it!”

“Round bed?” I asked, “how does that make any sense- it will make the room all off… plus how do I find a mattress for it?”

“Do you have any idea how much sex we’ll have if you get me this?”

*gulp* “I’ll grab my laptop.”

And with that I was off to find a round mattress for a bed we hadn’t yet seen, in the hopes that I would soon be a very, very busy man. At this point in the story I’d like to say that through my great and awesome powers of search-ninjary that I found what I was looking for.

If that was the case, I wouldn’t have the time to make this post.

My goal: find a round mattress (or even whole bed) that costs less than $1,500.00 including shipping.

After 3 hours of seriously abusing Google, here are my results:

The number one result for “Round Bed” is actually a hammock with some memory foam
Note to actual makers of round beds: a key phrase you may want to rank highly in is “ROUND BED.”

The number one result for “Round Mattress” takes you to a site where there is almost no indication that they actually sell round beds.
Usability issue: If I found your site via a search for “Round Mattress,” don’t make me click around for 5 minutes looking for it.

Of the 4-5 companies that actually sell round mattresses, none of them is under $4,000.00 and none of them is anywhere near me.
Another note: if you happen to sell affordable round mattresses, you would do well to optimize your page so people know.

There is a company in my area who is paying to show up in the search “Round Bed,” and yet they don’t sell any round beds.
Looking for a company to manage your PPC campaigns? Call me. *hand up to face with pinky and thumb out*

The L.A. Times believes round beds are making a comeback.
I’m such a trend setter.

Now, here’s where it gets good

Hours into my search, a friend walked into our house and told me she had just seen round beds for about $900.00 at the nearest IKEA.

This is the same IKEA who’s site didn’t come up in my search at all.

A couple sites mentioned that IKEA might have them, but when I had searched the site, the nearest one that offered them was in Canada, and on the message boards people were beginning to believe it was a myth.

So I did the 1980’s thing and picked up the phone to call IKEA – where I was forced to listen to a message which told me over and over to just hang up and use their website.

Hey IKEA: If you value my sexlife (and your profits) you really, really ought to take care of your optimization issues. *Call me.*

Max Speed

If the Pole Position Marketing team had a muse—and it does—it would be Max Speed. We love Max’s occasionally off-color, usually amusing and always pointed “Maxisms.” (Maybe “Maxims” would be a better word.) Max gives voice to some of the things we think but, bound by professional decorum, aren’t permitted to say. At least, not out loud.

One Response to Really Bad Adventures in Search: The Case of the Round Bed

  1. Debbie says:

    OMGosh! This just happened to me then I came here and was sure my search was over.
    But I guess when you titled it “really bad adventures in search” I should have known.

    Note to Ed: if you are going to come up under a round bed search tell me where to find one! Seriously if you find one at the price you listed shoot me an email