Emails Gone Wild: UNCENSORED

Every once in a while we get an email that we just can’t resist printing up in large font and pasting up on the wall as daily encouragement. But typically the emails we blow up aren’t your fluffy “you’re awesome” kind (those go up on our website.) Quite the contrary. These are those emails that remind us that 1) we can’t please everybody and 2) we don’t even want to try.

Here are a few we’ve gotten recently with a little back story to each. Sit back and enjoy a good fun Friday read:

SEO Sodomy

I received an inquiry about our services asking how much it costs to design and get rankings for a website. The gentleman inquiring was kind enough to provide a link to another site that he wanted to model his after. The site he pointed us to, the one in which we would be modeling his site after was, well, crap, to put it nicely. I knew immediately that this person was not a legitimate contender for our services so I simply skipped the pre-sell and any attempt to explain the benefits of what we do and just gave him the costs. I noted that typical website designs cost between $2-10K and our SEO services about $38K per year.

I then got this response:

Stoney,

Those quotes are nearly double to quadruple of the quotes I got from some of the top companies. Thanks for getting back to me, but I don’t want to get raped in this process.

Lex

Thanks for bringing up those painful memories, Lex. (kidding!)

Give me your firstborn male child

This email came from a former client from a long, long time ago. If I remember correctly he was from the days of $39/month services and ultimately left when we tried to raise the price to $75. he’s a good guy so I mean no disrespect to him, but I had to laugh out loud at this email response to me laying out the cost of our services.

Stoney,

Did I read your email correct, $38,000.00 for 12 months. Damn, I don’t want to buy your first born, just wanted to promote a web page.

Take care,

Lyle

I, jokingly, emailed back and let him know my first born costs a lot more than that. I’m serious about that. My kid has mad skillz and I won’t give him up for a penny less than $40K.

How much duz that job cost?

This one is a favorite. We ran a local job ad for a “Search Engine Optimization Apprentice” which clearly noted that the position paid $9.00+/hour. We sent this person our standard application questionnaire and asked him to fill it out and send it back. I got this response:

I may fill it out, but unfortunately you guys aren’t paying enough money for me to even consider [the job]…. I’d reconsider if I could get hired for more money! I’d lake the job much more seriously.

For example, $12 per hour versus only $9. I’m certified. My CompTIA registration number is 001003875109. My time is very important to me.

Here was my response:

That’s fine. I typically don’t hire people of sub-average intelligence. Let me remind you that it wasn’t me that applied first for a $9/hour position. Perhaps if you read a bit about the job you’re applying to you could save yourself this embarrassment. Secondly, anybody with a 50 or above IQ knows that when you say $9+ that means that the base is $9 but could be more for somebody, with say, some experience (and that pesky intelligence thing, too!). Finally, your certification and compTIA registration has absolutely no value to a position advertised as a “search engine optimization apprentice”. I could care less if you had a masters degree in medical biology, it’s irrelevant to the position we are hiring for.

And here is a freebie, if it’s more money you seek, there are ways to do it and ways not to do it. You selected the way not to do it!

All the best on your job hunting.

Yeah, I know, it was a bit harsh. I’m learning to hold my tongue (or in this case, my type) better.

There was another job application that came through recently worth mentioning here as well. The applicant basically wanted me to look at her resume and contact her if I felt like she would be a good fit. Mind you, she fit none of the criteria outlined in the ad. I incredulously wrote back asking why in the world it was my job to figure out if she was interested in working for me. When did job applicants start throw out resumes to any odd place and then expect the employers to determine if in fact they would be interested in the job to begin with? Doesn’t the applicant have some kind of responsibility to apply only to jobs in which they feel somewhat qualified for?

I was telling Craig the other day that I don’t suffer fools well. He thought I was kidding.

I’d love to hear some of your email stories!