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E-Marketing Performance Blog

Imagine an Online Life in the Offline World

Stoney deGeyter imagines an online life in an offline worldI often find myself wishing I had the same conveniences in real life like I do on the Web. While a lot of the “offline” world has been made possible (and easier) online–such as using social media to stay connected with friends and family–we haven’t really been able to transfer the magic of offline into the real world.

I often wonder what it would be like if the power of the Internet was made available in regular, everyday life…

High Speed: Imagine having high-speed life capabilities! I could read an entire library or watch all the DVDs in my collection in a few hours. Long waits at the grocery store, DMV and drive-thru are no more! (Yes, I know the drive-thru is supposed to be fast, but is it fast enough? I think not!) Boring meetings are over in a jiffy, and long drives are handled in a few seconds. High-speed life lets you blast right through all the annoying things and spend time on the things you enjoy. Productivity and leisure would skyrocket at the same time!

Search: Finally I’d be able to find where I left my keys, where the TV remote has run off too and where I hid the good cookies I wanted for myself! Everything in my home and car is indexed and easily found with a simple query.

But let’s take that one step further. I want to be able to search my memory for that hidden nugget of information. Is that word you’re trying to use just on the tip of your tongue? One click and out it comes. Tired of running upstairs only to forget what you were going up there for? Submit your query and get real-time indexed results!

Everlasting Updates: Buy once and get a lifetime of free upgrades! Want to add that sun room to your house or want the 2012 model of your car? Just jack it into the internet and download the latest version. If your ex-girlfriend won’t give back the key to your house, download the latest security patch and the problem is solved.

Peer-to-Peer: Your best friend borrows a book, you can hand them your copy and still keep a copy for yourself. It’s called “sharing.” Love your neighbor’s garden? Tap into a peer-to-peer network and they can hand a copy of it over to you without losing a tomato! The potential here is limitless. You can share anything–home decorations, kitchen appliances, toiletries (no toilet paper, please), snacks, etc. No more keeping up with the Jones’. Now you just download peer-to-peer and you are the Jones’.

Spyware Protection: Giving someone the brushoff is easier than ever. No more annoying friends that won’t stop clinging to you and draining the life out of your spare time. No more ex-boyfriends calling you all hours of the day begging you to return. Equipped with personal spyware protection, you can be sure that “clingers” can be cleaned off with the click of a button. Wipe them out of your system to keep them from disrupting your social life ever again.

Spam Blocker: Eliminate unwanted advice from friends or family. All bad advice is rerouted to your spam box before it ever reaches your ears while allowing good advice to sail right through. Tough decisions become much easier as the reliability of the advice you receive increases dramatically. And if you wonder why you never hear from a certain friend anymore, you’ll know they were probably just spam anyway!

Virus Protection: Forget about the flu shot. (Shots hurt!) Now you have a built-in virus scan and protection. Coughing, aching, sniffling, sneezing, colds, flu, diarrhea, food poisoning, carcinogens and all other ailments are kept out. Just remember to run a full-system scan every day and keep up-to-date and you’ll never have to (legitimately) call in sick again!

Bug Reports: Everybody makes mistakes, but now you can notify and be notified whenever “it” happens. No more waiting for long-term consequences to catch up to you; correct the mistake immediately and recover quickly! You can submit and receive bug reports 24/7 for all areas of your life. Be warned: you may not want your faults pointed out… that’s just the cost of being able to do the same!

Back Button: Ever wish you could undo that mistake or go back and start over? The “Back” button lets you do just that. Go back a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, or all the way to the beginning and start fresh. Make all new decisions and, by all means, don’t make the same mistakes twice!

We often don’t appreciate how truly awesome the web is. Things are fast and easy, and when something crashes, nobody dies! (Though you may want to kill someone!) Someday real-life might be this simple, but until then, we’ll just have to do things the “old-fashioned” way.

Follow at @StoneyD, and @PolePositionMkg.

Stoney G deGeyter

Stoney deGeyter is the author of The Best Damn Web Marketing Checklist, Period!. He is the founder and CEO of Pole Position Marketing, a web presence optimization firm whose pit crew has been velocitizing websites since 1998. In his free time Stoney gets involved in community services and ministries with his “bride enjoy” and his children. Read Stoney’s full bio.

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